My Muse is Full of Beans

I envy writers whose faithful muse hangs on their ear like a blue tooth; a steady connection to the mystical universe of creativity. Spontaneous and confident, these writers view the world through prose colored glasses and everything they write goes viral.

But not all writers have such a potent and vigorous ally welded to their shoulder. Some of us would give our left adverb if it would get our muse to show up and cuss.

I usually picture a muse as a girl of some sort. An ethereal, wispy, slightly opaque vision, floating around the universe like a mischievous nymph. She lights on her writer's shoulder and leaning close, she cups one hand to the side of her mouth to whisper. In this fleeting moment, she conveys an idea that will swell into glorious prose or poetry as soon as the ink touches the page. Lucky writer.

I haven't actually seen my muse but I gotta tell you, I think mine is a guy. He never whispers the rudiments of literary glory into my ear. He never thrills me with hints of exotic adventure. He never swoons me with the sultry whisper of a romance. Not my muse. When he visits, I get beans. Hard, dry, ten-year-shelf-life beans that must first be soaked in the tears of frustration. And he brings only a few at a time as if they're some kind of treasure. Like they'll grow into some kind of bean stalk that will lead to a golden goose. He's not a proper muse. I don't think this is his normal line of work. He must have lost his regular job in the economic downturn. He's got an attitude a lot like my old boss: “Always keep them hungry.” What a rotten muse.

Sometimes, I wish I could post a want ad for a new muse. Mine would go like this:

Wanted: Experienced muse. Must be prolific, punctual and a good speaker. Grammar should be polished but edgy, no profanity please. Muses with a sense of humor will be given priority. Position is live-in, but may consider an on-call for the right muse. Knowledge of social media a plus. Employer is allergic to legumes. Muses full of beans need not apply.

If it were that simple, perhaps my name would be perking up the covers of several best sellers instead of hanging around down on the mailing label of a writer's magazine.

But for now, I've got beans. And beans are hard to work with. It's still hard to tell if they're going to grow into something or end up a bunch of hot air. But in the absence of a proper muse, I keep trying to grow them. Some days they sprout and some days they stink. That's how it is with beans. That's how it is with my muse.

 I hope your muse is different. I hope you have a shimmery, wispy muse with an ear fetish that visits you daily and lingers on your shoulder for hours but if not, remember this:

Even a preoccupied, cantankerous old wraith that shows up once a month in a moth eaten sweater carrying a bottle of two buck to dump a train load of purple prose on you is better than a displaced elitist who's full of beans.

What's your muse like?

Cliches Are Good for the Soul

Cliche: a phrase, word, or idea, that has lost its original effectiveness or power from overuse.

I know, I know, every writing expert admonishes writers NOT to use cliches. They are said to be the mark of a lazy writer. They are characteristic of inexperienced and/or unoriginal writers.

Well, I may not be a writing expert, but I am a reading expert and I've discovered that I'm as happy as a clam when I read a cliche every now and then. For me, they're as comfortable as an old shoe and as welcome as an old friend.

I find them to be deceptively simple, instantly recognizable phrases that are usually the most economical way to say what needs to be said. They add clarity, depth, and a little bit of charm to the words I read.

Why should writers be asked to waste time reinventing the wheel? Why spend hours searching for the perfect, witty words to say something when somebody came up with the perfect, witty way to say it eons ago?

For heaven's sake, these phrases have stood the test of time and proven they are the cream of the crop. Can you even imagine writing a phrase so perfectly constructed that it becomes common usage? I can't.

Isn't this discrimination? There are as many quotes in today's literature as there are Chins in a Chinese phone book, but you never hear of them making critics foam at the mouth like they do when they encounter a cliche.

Writers use quotes to give depth and reinforcement to their work, just like cliches. It's like the pot calling the kettle black, and I don't get the difference. Quotes are just cliches with acknowledgements. Maybe if I start enclosing my cliches with quotation marks, they won't rub my critics the wrong way.

And that's not all. There are proverbs, sayings, witticisms, anecdotes, and euphemisms. None of them seem to drive the experts nuts like cliches do. It's discrimination, any way you look at it.

Searching online I noticed one expert article after another entitled, "Avoiding Cliches Like the Plague." What the heck? It's okay for them, but not for us? I did, however, find one particularly witty cliche-critic who did practice what he preached. His title? "Avoid Cliches Like Erectile Dysfunction." Really?  How far does one have to go to create a catchy new phrase?

Despite all the negative hype, there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel for those of us who admire the familiar brevity of a cliche. Banding together on the Internet, cliche lovers offer a scintilla of hope that cliches might one day become a tad more welcome than a skunk at a yard party.

Cliche: Little facets of the truth.  

One of those cliche-admirers, Steve Lautenschlager, began an online list of cliches, which he called "...little facets of the truth." As his list of cliches grew, he discovered that "other people were oddly, strangely, obsessively, perversely, intrigued by cliches as well."

Glad to know I'm not alone.

If you are looking for a cliche (for whatever nefarious reason) be sure to browse through these websites: www.cambiaresearch.com/clicheweb/; www.westegg.com/cliche/; www.clichesite.com/.

My favorite cliche: as happy as a clam. (Just makes me feel good.)

My least favorite cliche:  no-brainer. (Because it's DUMB. Even thinking it's a no-brainer takes a brain.)

Favorite cliche quote: Not all my cliches are original. - Football Coach Chuck Knox

CHALLENGE: How many cliches in the above post? Do you have a favorite cliche? Least favorite?

DEDICATION: The above post is dedicated to Jennifer Lamont Leo, who strives to understand my addiction, but who is also rumored to be planning a cliche intervention for me.

NOTE: This is an updated repost from 2/14/2011.  

Friday Fun with The Word UP

Jennifer Rova

I received this in an email today and smiled. The author is unknown but he seemed to be up for writing something funny. The word UP in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word.  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv],  [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. To  be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with UP to a hundred uses or more.

 It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, 

 but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake  UP?

At  a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why 

are the officers UP for  election; if there is  a tie, it is a toss UP.  Why is it UP

to the secretary to write UP a  report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a 

room, polish UP the  silver, warm UP the  leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  

We lock UP the house and fix UP the  old car.

At other  times, this little word has real a special meaning. People stir UP trouble, 

line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To  be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And  this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because  it is  blocked  UP.

We  open UP a  store in the morning but we close it  UP at  night. We seem to be

 pretty mixed UP about  UP!

When  it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding  UP. When the sun comes out, 

we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the  earth.  When it does not 

rain for awhile,  things dry UP. 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . 

 My time is UP!

How to Write Humor according to North Idaho's own Patrick McManus

by Ana Parker Goodwin

Do any of you write humor? I am probably one of the worst humor writers on the planet, but I'm learning. So here I am, practicing what I preached in my last blog: Write about something you know nothing about and doesn't excite you.

When I was a kid I grew up with a father and his family who had escaped Communist Russia during the Stalin purges. We very rarely laughed.  My father, the head of our household, saw nothing to laugh about. As a matter of fact on my wedding day he became very annoyed that Ron and I were being silly and joking with each other. "Now be serious, Anna," he said. "Getting married is nothing to laugh about." Actually it was probably one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband. He laughed a lot and could find the humor in almost anything. And so in the years we have been together I have learned to laugh.

When I wrote my mystery/thriller book Justice Forbidden I deliberately snuck in some humor even though the plot is serious. And in the next fiction book that I am presently writing in the Justice series, I am adding even more humor. Why?

If we didn't have humor in our lives when things got tough, where would we be? Probably even more anxious and depressed. The thing is, that the world is pretty stressed out right now and many people are reacting with anxiety and anger. That's okay. People have automatic emotions when they listen to the news and for each person the emotion may be different. But don't forget. We all have choices about how we will respond and act. Can you see the problem from a different perspective? Can you turn the picture upside down or at angles and see the funny aspect of it? Comedians have a great way of doing just that. If you can laugh at a situation it will help you cope with what is going on.  

Patrick McManus, who lives here in North Idaho, is one of the great humorists in this country today. I hope all of you have read some of his books. My favorite of the books I read was Never Sniff a Gift Fish. Most of his stories are about his adventures in the woods, rivers, and lakes in the Sandpoint area, just north of Coeur d'Alene. The last book before he stopped writing in 2000, is one he wrote to teach humor writing. The Deer on a Bicycle: Excursions into the Writing of Humor. In his book he included several tips. So if you are interested in writing humor, here are a couple:  

1. Never write real-life humor. I would probably say don't write real life humor if the audience you are trying to reach cannot identify easily with what has happened. Probably Johnny falling off the canoe was hilarious to the family because they knew him, and knew his particular personality, but most of your readers will say, "HUH?"  

2. Write about your bad experiences, not your good ones. Write about your failures, your fears, and situations others have experienced as well and say, "Yeah, that's me," or "That's what happened to my dad, alright."

3. Write about personality quirks. My  character, Evelyn Frampton, in Justice Forbidden, is an elderly, eccentric, but very loving neighbor who runs around helping Faythe capture the murderer by hitting the presumed criminal over the head with a wine bottle. She also gets rid of  her dandelions by slurping up puffballs with the vacuum cleaner. Also create two characters who play well off each other like Lucy and her friend in the ancient but very funny show, "I Love Lucy."

4. Use exaggeration but not so much that it seems completely implausible.  You must be able to imagine the situation and see how funny it would look. Of course if you earlier read the title of Patrick McManus' book, The Deer on the Bicycle, you might say, "A deer on a bicycle? That's crazy."  But you can see it in your mind and it would probably make you laugh. Most people are willing to suspend reality for a while if not too absurd. Another one of his stories is called, "A Bear in the Attic," and it's hilarious. I am finding this technique to be one of my favorites to create humor for my books.

5. Say or do the opposite of what someone would expect you to say or do. Although McManus does not mention this technique, I have found that the element of surprise in humor is very effective. I have heard many people use it, including me, and it works really well as long as it is funny and not hurtful to someone. Of course that's true for all humor. Using four letter words over and over for shock value looses it's effect, and for me just turns into shock.

The more I read and learn about writing humor, and practice it in my writing, the more fun it's becoming.  And yes, I'm getting better at it.

If you have any other great ideas and comments about writing humor to help the rest of us schmucks, let us know.

Spoonerisms, Eggcorns, Mondegreens and Other Silly Things

My family has a penchant for Spoonerisms. This is where you utter mixed up syllables of two words, or more, putting together something that sounds utterly ridiculous. It is done accidentally in a moment of the mouth engaged before the brain. My niece, a bride discussing what she wanted to carry in her bouquet said, “I’d like dayling trasies.”  My sister and I knew exactly what she wanted because we, too, talk in Spoonerisms. She wanted “trailing daisies” in her bouquet. I once asked a roommate if she wanted any “pined canapple” on her pizza. She declined wearing a “What’s up with her” look. Other now family remembrances are: ficket pence, flutterby and chilled greese.

The name Spoonerism (aka "marrowsky" after a Polish count) started because a minister all too frequently mixed up parts of words combining them into something hilarious. “Mardon me, padam, but you are occupewing the wrong pie” for “Pardon me, Madam, but you are occupying the wrong pew. “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride,” and “Is the Bean dizzy?”

In the first Harry Potter book, George Weasley said he didn’t know why his aunt knitted their names in the boys’ sweaters because “We know we are Gred and Forge!” The wonderful poet, Shel Silverstein has a book titled Runny Babbit: A Billy Sook. Many other authors have used spoonerisms deliberately, Shakespeare to name one. Walt Disney created the main dwarf, Doc, to talk in spoonerisms to bring humor into the movie of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Think about adding this element to one of your characters. It interjects some humor in what otherwise might be a too tense scene or story. Sometimes it is called “comic relief.”

Mondegreens are unintentionally misheard words or phrases. Children are especially known for this. In Christmas carols, “The cattle are lowing” becomes “The catalog glowing” or “The cattle are lonely…” “Jeff’s nuts roasting on an open fire,”  “Check for snipping at your nose,” and “Barney’s the king of Israel." “I pledge allegiance to the flag…” was heard “I led the pigeons to the flag. One nation, under God, with liver tea for all.”

Eggcorns is a relatively new term. It began when a woman mistakenly called acorns eggcorns.  It is surprising how many eggcorns are in common use: duck tape, Long Ranger, toe the line, coming down the pipe, mute point, bread and breakfast, skimp milk, garbleydegook, mind bottling, jar dropping and windshield factor.* It is not that people who spoke these phrases are dumb, it is that they heard and/or remembered a verbal conversation wrong. You can bring some levity in your stories with the clever use of any of these funny phrases.

                                 Rindercella and the Prandsome Hince.

Once upon a time, in a dingkom far away, a gung yirl was a slave to her stuggley eptisters. She had to sook and cew all lay dong. An invitation to a bancy fown gall was delivered. It seemed the Prandsome Hince was brooking for lide! The stuggley septisters were so excited. They laughed when Rindercella thought she could go to the bancy fown gall too. After the sean mepstumpper and the stuggley eptisters left, Rindercella ried and ried until her eyes were ced. Suddenly her gary fodmother appeared. “Try your drears my dear. Bibbadee, babbadee boo.” And with a sweep of her wagic mond, Rindercella was transported to the bancy fown gall in a poach made out of a cumpkin. Rindercella danced all light nong. At nidmight, the clock truck svelve and Rindercella reft the gall losing her slass gipper. The next day the Prandsome Hince appeared at Rindercella’s door. “Did you thuse liss?” he said holding up the slass gipper. Rindercella yaid “Ses!’ They were married and hived lappily ever after.

* duct tape, Lone Ranger, tow the line, coming down the pike, moot point, bed and a breakfast, skim milk, gobbledegook, mind boggling, jaw dropping and wind sheer factor.